The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. "Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. "Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me.'"
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that shit with me.'"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A husband asks his wife:
- Tell me darling, has there been many mans before me?
She looks down and doesn’t say anything. After a half an hour the husband asks her:
- Did I say something wrong?
- No, I was just counting them!
- Tell me darling, has there been many mans before me?
She looks down and doesn’t say anything. After a half an hour the husband asks her:
- Did I say something wrong?
- No, I was just counting them!
Two friends talking:
- Did you hear? Jane married with a guy twice as old then her!
- Impossible! Nobody can live that long!
- Did you hear? Jane married with a guy twice as old then her!
- Impossible! Nobody can live that long!
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Whats the difference between committed and involved. The same difference as bacon and eggs, the pig is committed, the chicken only involved
Racist jokes
Before I post these I just want everyone to know that I'm not racist, Everyone should stop being racist . . racism should be a crime, and crime is for NIGGERS! I love black people . . . and I used to have some black friends 'till my granddad sold them!...How do you kill a mexican? Throw a quarter off a cliff.
What is a Mexican without a lawnmower? Unemployed!
How do you hide money from a mexican? Hide it under a bar of soap!
Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw his gas bill
What is a Jews biggest dilemma? Free pork
How was copper wire invented? 2 Jews fighting over the same penny
Why aren't there any Wal*Marts in Afghanistan? Because there's a Target on every corner!
Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?You only have to teach them how to take off!
40 years of marriage..
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
 10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. 9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. 8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives. 7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. 6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy. 5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays. 4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure. 3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best). 2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive. 1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake! |
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
I found your Dog! He is acting just like you!
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 4:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"
A typical married couple were lying in bed one night.
The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "pussy".
He did this only for a very short while, and then he would stop and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.
She got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my "pussy". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"
Q & A - Questions and Answers!
Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. What's a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?A. More leg-room!
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?A. More headroom
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?A. They chip their teeth.
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?A. An airbag.
Senior Moment
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
RING.....Ring.....
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,****'Hello?'****'Hi honey.****This is Daddy.****Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.****She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,****'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,****Right now..'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.****Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs****And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy****That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'****A few minutes later****The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser****And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window****And into the swimming pool.****But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water****Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause********Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ............****Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number........*
Murphy's Law in Sex1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2.Nothing improves with age.
3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4.Sex has no calories.
5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8.No sex with anyone in the same office.
9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12.Virginity can be cured.
13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Senior Moment
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
RING.....Ring.....
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,****'Hello?'****'Hi honey.****This is Daddy.****Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.****She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,****'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,****Right now..'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.****Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs****And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy****That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'****A few minutes later****The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser****And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window****And into the swimming pool.****But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water****Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause********Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ............****Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number........*
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'
RING.....Ring.....
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,****'Hello?'****'Hi honey.****This is Daddy.****Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.****She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,****'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,****Right now..'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.****Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs****And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy****That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'****A few minutes later****The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser****And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window****And into the swimming pool.****But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water****Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause********Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ............****Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number........*
Murphy's Law in Sex 1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2.Nothing improves with age. 3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4.Sex has no calories. 5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8.No sex with anyone in the same office. 9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10.A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12.Virginity can be cured. 13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. |
Two Married Buddies are out drinking!
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
Teacher and Johnny
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red.
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Did you hear about
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.